I’m at a party. It’s night and we’re in a field. A big one, in the middle of nowhere. It’s cold and still but there’s a fire that makes everyone uncomfortably warm, there’s jackets on the ground and bags piled up at a safe distance creating a sort of circle around the firey …fireness.
It smells pike rain but it’s dry. There’s a line of many different sized tents a few meters away.
I’m talking to Mick. Friend of ADHD. And it’s awkward and muted and I’m staring off unthinkingly. when suddenly, Mick asked “so.. you like him huh?”
Me: “what? Who?”
I flush and stamer and try unsuccessfully to convince him that I don’t.
Me: “okay, maybe I do. But don’t tell.. I.. like hanging out with you guys and.. it would suck to go back to sitting alone in my room all the time”
– this is where I start crying.. in real life. I don’t understand my brain. I’m almost sure that most everyone’s daydreams are happy and … Not depressing. I always assume the worst will happen in my actual life. I guess I try and make my day dreams “more realistic” because… It would be ridiculous for me to imagine that I end up curled into the guys side, sleepy and happy and him actually okay with it.
The thing is… Even when I manage a daydream like that.. I cry because I get to the part where they tell me not to let go and I just..
“well that’s not going to happen is it, idiot” because that’s what my life so far has taught me.
I need to turn these day dream things off.