This is a kind of peek into my life I guess.
I can’t sleep and I was thinking about how low my expectations are.
When I was little, me, my mum and my brother and sister lived in a little house that was hidden from view of the neighbors. There was honeysuckle growing over our gate and we had apple trees and a pond and birds and such. It was a nice place and I was happy enough there.. in fact I’m sure I haven’t been happy since we moved out. I feel like the only disappointing things that ever happened were because of my mother. (oh sweet lord I feel like I’m talking to a therapist) it’s true though, she’s a terrible person.
When I was about 7/8 we had a class trip it was a weekend at a place in the middle of the country with a water spring and lots of flowers.
All the kids had been rounded up and made to wait outside for their parents who were invited to come and visit halfway through the 3 or 4 days. I knew mine wasn’t coming but I hadn’t actually told the teachers so I WAS made to stand there and wait, watching as all the kids ran forth and squealed with delight at the arrival of their mum or dad, or both. Eventually I was the last kid left standing and I made a slightly pathetic attempt to go back to my room while the teacher wasn’t looking. I was caught and ended up whaling in tears and having to follow a teacher around with her kid. Which just made me feel worse because I was intruding on their time. (yup I was pretty much the mental trainreck I still am..)
Things like this happened all the time,
She wouldn’t fill in my school forms so I couldn’t go to places or do things, so many times I was just left waiting for her to decide it was time to give a shit.
She wouldn’t help me with my homework so I would always be in trouble for not doing it.
As soon as we moved out of that house my nan and grandad stopped doing things with us because they thought my mum and her (asshole) boyfriend/father of child number 4, would take us out and do things with us. They never did.
So after years and years of soul crushing acts I decided what I wanted to be when I grew up. A bum. Because if I achieve this very difficult goal, at least I’ll have achieved it, and if not then I’m probably better off and that’s nothing to be depressed about.
Jay The Bum – X