Wow… Just wow … I never wow’d so much the absolute destruction of me.
I’m not going to share today with my friends, it’s been a disaster in all ways.
I haven’t eaten today, not that I wasn’t hungry but I just didn’t eat.
An accumulation of disappointment and just plain I don’t know what the fuck is happening in relation to guys.
So. Let’s start at the begining of the day
Guy 1 – as yet unnamed in my blog and of no reference, started to like him. Told him so, got told not to, because he doesn’t date people “but we can still fuck right?” .. no.. no we can not. So I started feeling shitty, a form of rejection does that to me.
Enter guy number 2 – the Ex, I posted a brief entry about what he said to me, including screen shot. I ended up letting slip that I still like him, not like that but like.. I guess left over feelings, I mean he was my first there isn’t really any way I couldn’t love him, even if I hate him equally as much. Now hes been asking me if he should come back and be with me.
I said no.
I can’t deal with that shit again. It was too much and he has a kid now and it would all be a horrible horrible mess and I’d end up the bad guy.. or girl I guess.
Guy number 3 – ADHD, turns up to the house while Sarah is there – yeah the one he banged who my brother likes- she’s being extra clingy and annoying to him, all over him, giggling like an obsessive teenager. Which bothered me at first until I realised that ADHD was obviously not into it. And then I started feeling bad.
She’s going to be broken, she’s going to feel shitty and alone and it’ll all be for naught in the end because it was a drunken accident and he doesn’t really want her. But he doesn’t want me either so I’m Switzerland in this war.
We walked her home, and then… He walked me home, and the conversation got .. weird. He basically convinced me to spill my guts, on the things that bother me. So I talked about the Ex, it was the only think I didn’t care enough about to hide from anyone. And he started spilling his guts too.
I’m not a deep conversation person. I don’t talk to people about my problems because it’s just easier not to dump that shit on people and become the person that everyone groans about when they meet them in the street.
The thing is. It’s worse that it’s him. I want to talk to him about that stuff because I like him.
He told me to call him, if I ever wanted to talk.. I won’t. I’ll want to though.
But.. I guess it’s not all been bad. At least Drewid of the north is speaking to me again. Makes me feel less terrible.
Forever confused and fucked up x