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Been busy

Hey
Sorry.. it’s been like two weeks I know.
I haven’t known what to say really.
A lot has happened. I’ve been really sad. And really happy and devastated. ..

Carl is leaving.
Maybe forever. He’s going to a different place for work. He leaves on Saturday and I only have one day left at work with him.
It hadn’t really hit me until I left work today.

The interaction was so odd. Full of weird awkward …almost hopeful sadness. But maybe it was just me.

He was letting me out of work leaning over the wall at the top of our stairs.. “are you in anymore this week?..
Me -” am in tomorrow an-”
C- ” Thursday?  Saturday? …..”
Me: “Not Saturday but Thursday.”
C- “Not either of them?…. ”
Me- “Just Thursday.  Not Saturday. . Like I am in on thursday”
C – “oh okay im in on thursday. I will see you on Thursday then”

When I finally got on the bus is when I accidently cried. Welled up and one traitor tear rolled down the side of my nose.

I gave him a good luck card. This morning. I was trying to be chill in it.

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He was coming down the stairs while I was signing in and I just kind held it out. “Here have a thing”
He just looked really confused and goes “what is this?.. oh.. I. . Thank you.. ” and then something like ‘I wasn’t expecting that’ I can’t quite remember what it was specifically but it was something to that effect.

I really don’t want him to go.
But I guess there’s no stopping it.
I’m really going to miss him…
If he doesn’t come back. Which I know he won’t.  He’ll only come back if he doesn’t do well and I’m sure that he’ll do better than okay.

It’s painful now though. I keep thinking these little perfect senarios that make me sad. Like I always have. Day dream after daydream.
And I keep thinking over how he’s been the last week.

The day after I found out he was leaving (saturday) I called him a traitor and he was so sarcastic sounding when he replied with “oh yeah you’re sad I’m leaving aren’t you”
It made me sad and the next thing I knew I was saying “I am actually..”
It was one of those long.. short silences before he said “..I might come back” and  he was off through the door while I said ‘ I hope so…. YOU BETTER”

Ugh.
I feel stupid.
Sad.
Empty.
And kind of abandoned.

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