I hate the cold.
I hate it because it makes my shoulder hurt. I hate it because it chills my bones. I hate it because I can’t sleep. It seeping through my window and wraps around my feet and hands. I just hate it.
Nat stayed over on Friday. It feels like weeks ago. it was pretty much only yesterday. I had the best sleep that night. I don’t think Ive slept that well in over 6 months. I had two of the weirdest dreams though.
In the first dream we (me and Nat) were in my old house. Except it wasnt. Me and Nat we were in my old bedroom but it was more like a weird apartment livingroom. Across the Hall at the top of the stairs, my mum’s room was also a living room, it was strange because the door was open ever so slightly and I could see carls face through the little slither. I don’t know why but I know that my manager was in there and my supervisor and maybe a few other people I know. They were there watching sports which was strange because nobody in my house watches sports…ever. I avoided them….. I figured that… you know carl don’t need to see me.. or he’d just think I’m stalking him again… even though he’s in my house… logic am I rite.
And so I wait with Nat in my room. I can’t really remember what we did in there we must have talked a little. When they finally left. I went in to tidy up the room but there was little ripped up pieces of paper where carl was sitting. They were bits of receipts and scrap pieces of paper hardly big enough to write anything on really. a sentence on each maybe. On some of them the words were scribbled out. All I remember when I was looking through these scrap pieces of paper is that i noticed that the word “sorry” was in the first and then my name was on the 2nd and 3rd. I started reading and he mentioned something about leaving. That’s when carl came back in the room and i immediately pushed the pieces of paper towards him and I said “I didn’t read them” because technicallly I hadn’t really read them just swept over. He stared at me for a moment and then I don’t know where he got them but he emptied a box of index cards (basically lined bits of paper with notes on them) in front of me. I didn’t really read them. I just sort of knew that they would be diary pages – some thoughts that he may have had and others were just scribbled notes about times that we had together. but it was all about me. I picked one out of the Pile and read it. It was really obscure he made it sound as if he was cheating on me.(Evidently my subconscious has issues). “I can’t believe I kissed someone else.” And something about me being sweet. I can’t remember reading any more than that it made me feel kind of sick. The middles kind of fuzzy after that I remember welling up then maybe hugging him but I know that it ended with me and Nat and him having a latte or something by the seaside in a little cafe. He was still leaving but nothing had changed really it was just different. Obviously my mind way of relieving the creepy obsessive information.
Forever insane x